


a rose-patterned dagger, made out of love

by fcntasies (neverlcnd)



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Guardian Soobin, Kinda, M/M, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Prince Choi Yeonjun, Royalty, Slow Burn, The Author Regrets Nothing, also the author doesn't know how to tag, but he's also only the son of a farmer and a bit of a traitor, there's hinted taegyu if you squint, this isn't based on historical events, wrote this while listening to dark academia playlists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27963806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverlcnd/pseuds/fcntasies
Summary: It was supposed to be simple. All he had to do was gain the prince's trust and take him down. He didn't know he would be endangered of feelings he's never felt before in his entire life. He never knew he was getting into something way more dangerous than a life and death experience. He never knew he would fall in...
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 12
Kudos: 77





	1. to trust and to understand or to kill and to regret?

It was supposed to happen in the blink of a moment. A swift, nonchalant movement filled with repressed anger and no resentment, but even with the tip of his golden dagger pressed against Prince Yeonjun's heart, he was unable to do it. His eyes that were supposed to be always filled with darkness and coldness were staring back at Soobin in indistinguishable ways and nuances, thousands of emotions brimming from them like invisible tears. Where was the hatred and the malice that everyone was so afraid of? Soobin couldn't see it. He was unable to see it from the very beginning. But it was his duty, to murder the IV's Prince of the Choi Kingdom. 

  
"Choi Soobin," The prince whispered, transfixed, his pupils wide, his stare and voice a mix of sentiments that the son of a mere farmer from the countryside understood way too well. Betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, anger, confusion, humiliation and something else, something he was not allowing himself to notice. He was curious for a brief moment what could the other man see in his eyes. Was it revenge? Duty? Or, pity? Or was it even more than that, more than he'd want to surface? 

  
He cautiously watched as Prince Yeonjun's ice-cold hands wrapped around his’ on the dagger and he didn't know if he was trying to restrain him or push him, making him feel nauseous all of the sudden. Only if he could turn back time, to meet him all over again, under different circumstances, with the right people, he wouldn't have to go through this. He would've been right by the prince's side, protecting him from people like himself. People whose sole purpose in life is to hurt the royals, to gain power. 

  
It was supposed to be simple. All he had to do was gain the prince's trust and take him down. He didn't know he would be endangered of feelings he's never felt before in his entire life. He never knew he was getting into something way more dangerous than a life and death experience. He never knew he would fall in...

* * *

  
" _Love_ , did you finish your chores?" Soobin's mother questioned from the kitchen, awakening him from the deep sleep he was falling into. Exhausted, he let his palms cover his face to feign darkness, letting out a 'Yes, mother'. "Then go help your father, don't slack off! Night is for sleep, day is for labour," She said, her infamous saying ringing in Soobin's ear like a sort of irritation. But he knew she was right. 

  
So he did as told, dragging himself outside of the house and towards the field. His steps were heavy, slow, uncalculated and his mind was wandering far away into the unfairness of the world he was living in and the way he could make it better if he had the power to. _If he had the powe_ r. But he didn't, and it was infuriating and frustrating. His parents would call his thoughts ungrateful. They wouldn't understand that his gratefulness and desire to make the world a better place were pole opposites. They wouldn't understand, just like no one does. People don't try to understand each other, at least in the world he lives in. 

  
Maybe that was the reason why, when a strange carriage stopped in front of him and taunted him with an offer than had as prize a change for the better of the world, he found it hard to turn down. The bizarre, armoured men with beards and cunning glances seemed sincere when they told him a nobody like him could change the future by doing the bare minimum of murdering the Crown Prince. At the time, he thought he could trust them, because he thought they could understand his desire for the good. He also happened to hear rumours about the terrifying, heartless next King, so he would've done anything to stop terror from ruling the country. 

  
He was finally feeling heard, the strange men would even help his family economically, they'd make his parents' life easier. Everything seemed like a win-win situation. So, how could he say no? At first, his mother objected, but father was the head of all the decisions in the household and it was not unknown to Soobin that the old man was not a fan of the royal family to begin with and he thought that such important duty would be a glorifying experience for his son. A big step to becoming a man, that's what he had exactly said. So he sent his son away, into a different kind of field. A _battlefield_. 

  
For days, weeks and months Soobin was trapped in the residence of the association that hired him, listening to the massive plan over-and-over again and learning things such as royal-manners, martial fights and little bits of other languages. He was learning how to be one of them, a higher-up. His role was all about being and thinking like them, so that they could accept him as a trusted soldier of the palace. He had to get close to the prince, gain everyone's trust and then betray them. And he thought that he was more than capable to do so. After all, Prince Choi deserved it. Or at least from what he heard and was obliged to believe, he did not deserve anything aside from bad things to happen to him. 

  
Through his thorough training he was taught to hate the royal family. But during his mission he had to act as if he respected them, was loyal to them, loved them even. His old self would've thought that such turn of events in his life couldn't be possible. Yet, there he was, in front of the palace gates, lined up with hundreds of other try-outs. _He had to be accepted_. He thought of himself as highly qualified for the position. 

  
"I heard that the Crown Prince will be attending His Majesty in all royal matters from now on, to train himself for the throne," Soobin heard one of the young men in the line whisper to another and for a certain reason he felt excited at the mentioned of the prince. _His target._

  
He began to revise the plan in his head and everything that he had learned until then, hand gripping his sword with such strength that his knuckles turned white. _He was not nervous_ , he tried to convince himself while noticing more and more men getting thrown out of the palace, his turn only a few heads away. _It's a one-and-only-chance._ He thought to himself, sucking his cheeks in and glaring at the giant, golden, doors of the throne room. 

  
"Choi Soobin of Andong!" He heard his name shouted, before the doors opened wide and loud, his feet walking forward and bowing respectfully in a matter of seconds. He said his greetings, name and origins loud and clear, staring at his majesty with such determination and respect that even he believed his own self for a moment. And then his fiery eyes moved onto the young man on the King's right side, finally meeting the renowned Prince Yeonjun the IVth. He looked right into his intense glare, trying to feel the hatred and the evil, but all he could see was a strong, mysterious aura. 

  
During his test, Soobin did everything he was asked to do, perfecting his every task, without showcasing boastful pride or any type of emotion except of grand devotion and even when it was the time for his fate to twist, his stance remained unshifted. He noticed the prince whispering something in his father's ear and with a last 'We will inform you shortly, Mr. Choi' from the guard, he vanished from the royal place. It was rather nerve-wracking, if he were to be honest with himself. Everything from the wait to the execution to the wait again was already merciless for his heart, but he knew that it was only the start, so he ignored his old habit of being so fragile-hearted at most times. 

  
_He only had one mission._

  
When he got the letter from the palace about his employment, everyone in the residence threw a celebration and got wasted, activity in which he didn't want to participate and decided to prepare himself for the challenge ahead of him. He started thinking about the prince, about his long-blond hair and devious eyes, his calculated stance and actions, his secrecy and his strong aura. How would Soobin approach him? How would he earn his trust, befriend him? The young royal man looked like an immovable stone and deep-down Soobin was just the son of a farmer. He was no charmer, neither did he ever have a friend for a long period of time. Even though he knew what closure was and felt like, he's never had to initiate such relationship with someone so out of his league. 

  
_Because, despite it all, he was still just the son of a farmer in front of the successor of the royal throne_. 

* * *

"Who would believe that the son of a nameless farmer would become a soldier for the royals?" Kang Taehyun, cousin of the King's sister, addressed to Soobin while passing by him down the hallway. "Are you that loyal to your King, or are your intentions much different?" He asked in a tempted tone, smiling faintly and side-eyeing Soobin with a certain mischief in his glance. And he found him incredibly annoying already, and rude, daring to speak of his father like that and doubt his intentions without a single sign that could give him the right to do so. 

  
He decided to answer with a bow, then watched him leave in silence. 

  
The first days at the palace were the least to say boring and excruciatingly long, but he did have small moments of entertainment from time to time, like eating food he's never tasted before and observing the life of the royals. What he found intriguing about them was that they weren't, mean. Or at least not _all_ of them. Their behaviour was very different from the countryside, of course, but the feelings they carried seemed to be similar, except of the occasional fuels over political matters and preparations for extravagant events. But at the same time, Soobin didn't know what he was expecting. 

  
It wasn't like everyone was trying to dethrone the King, and the next King. 

_Or so he thought._

  
He was patrolling during the night-shift when he heard it. A conversation he was not supposed to hear, between Prince Choi Beomgyu and his spouse. 

  
"The coronation is in seven months. We have to convince the King by then that you're the one who is worth ruling this Kingdom, not Yeonjun. We have to do everything in our power to change his mind, honey," She spoke hurriedly, her tone low, secretive. Soobin noticed from behind the wall that Prince Beomgyu, however, did not seem half as serious and excited as his spouse. "You _have_ to become King," She continued, almost desperate. 

  
And patrol after patrol, Soobin came to the realization that in fact, _everyone was trying to dethrone the Crown Prince_. Even the hopeless gardener that had the slightest, almost non-existent connection with the royal blood, thought that he stood a chance. And for a reason, a small part of him felt bad for the prince. But he brushed that off the millisecond it crossed his mind. 

* * *

  
_Six months before the coronation_ , Soobin was assigned to patrol only the floor of the fourth prince, which was an unexpected, lucky turn of events. It was bound to happen later on, according to the plan, but since he was given a special advantage, he wasn't going to stand still. 

  
"Your Highness," He voiced for the third time that day when the royal man passed by him, bowing accordingly, always getting a polite nod in reply. It was as if he was a statue. Always so, still and collected and well mannered. Yes, Soobin could see the coldness in his eyes, he could feel it send chills down his spine, but he seemed nothing like the man everyone was writhing. And no matter how hard Soobin was trying to despise him, there wasn't something to despise. He wondered whether he was that good at hiding it, or perfect enough to be hated by a whole nation. 

  
"Choi Soobin, right?" The prince spoke to him out of the blue, a few steps away from him and his voice was not at all what Soobin was expecting. Soobin didn't even know what he was expecting. But it was definitely not the sweetness filled with subtle sternness and carefulness. And although a bit stunned, he responded immediately with a firm 'Yes, Your Highness!'. "From now on everything that you have to report, report it to me personally. From this moment on you are my personal informant and guardian," Prince Yeonjun said and maybe, on that day, Choi Soobin was blessed by the universe.

* * *

Ever since he became the prince's personal informant, Soobin's life became more entertaining. He had a lot to do, and all of that was related to Choi Yeonjun, helping him, informing him, being there with him at all times as long as he was in the palace. He was beginning to get that closure he was so hesitant about, he was starting to get to know Prince Yeonjun for who he was, not for who he was supposed to be. Yet, he never expected the prince to be any of the things that he apparently was. Like, clumsy. _So clumsy_. And hard-working, truly hard-working, a _perfectionist_ he could say. He even smiled from time to time and was kind, at least to Soobin he was very kind and hostile, amicable maybe. 

  
_Where were his bad intentions or ignorance towards the kingdom? Where was the darkness? Why was everyone, including himself, trying to hurt him in a way or another?_ He hated himself for always asking those questions in his head every single passing moment with the prince. 

  
"Your Highness, I have something to confess. It's about your brothers," Soobin carefully addressed to his prince on a rainy afternoon, in his room, where he was reading something that seemed very, very uninteresting. And by the way the prince was getting distracted so often, he probably found it boring as well. On the other hand, his informant's sentence perked up his interest.

  
He removed his glasses, that he was wearing for no practical reason since their lenses were missing and carefully analysed Soobin's face.

  
"Is this about the whole nation, including them, wanting to dethrone me?" He asked calmly, as if it was the most ordinary thing and as if he could read Soobin's thoughts right through his forehead. The guardian gave a firm nod along with a hum, observing a strange smile form on the other's lips. It wasn't sad, nor happy, nor fake. It was, knowing and unimpressed, yet disappointed. "Do you also think like them? That I'm incapable, or evil?" The sudden personal question caught Soobin off-guard, Prince Yeonjun's stare almost piercing through him.

  
_No. You're nothing like that, Your Highness. Until now, you've only showed me the opposite, actually. That you're capable and willing, kind and protective and caring. You're nothing like they say._ Soobin thought to himself, feeling shivers down his spine. He must be too invested in his mission that his mind is thinking like someone close to the prince would. Because the actual him, hates the prince just like everyone else. 

  
"I believe that the King wouldn't leave the country in incompetent and evil hands, Your Highness," He gave the prince a formal answer, that wasn't revealing too much of himself but enough to give the young man some kind of reassurance. _Or maybe not_ , because the look in his eyes after Soobin gave his answer seemed, unsatisfied? _What was it exactly that he wanted to hear?_

  
"No, Soobin. What do you think of _me?_ " He accentuated both his name and the last word, making the guardian feel trapped, taken aback by the abruptness and intensity in his tone. 

  
"I will tell you, if you tell me what you whispered to the King on the day of the try-outs," Soobin offered with hostility, noticing the successor's expression shifting, his eyebrows raising, seeming intrigued. It was the first time, ever since their closure that Soobin dared to speak to the prince like that. A bit unprofessionally, a bit challenging, planting a deal. He was always short and clear, but that time he left a bit of suspense in his wording. He could understand why Prince Yeonjun would be, surprised. Soobin didn't seem like the kind of person to snap out of character, of order.

  
"I told him that _I want you_ ," His royalty confessed with sincerity in his voice, staring at Soobin in an asphyxiating way before letting out a breathy laughter at the sight of a very petrified informant. "As in I want your services. I thought you had something in you and my father couldn't deny it either. You're good, that's why," He explained himself shortly after, removing a heavy stone off of Soobin's chest. _The Prince made fun of him. Absolutely and definitely evil. Rumours confirmed. He didn't need more convincing._

  
"After this, I certainly think that you're friends with the demon, Your Highness," Soobin said, almost bitter, but for some reason the prince started laughing and mayhaps, only mayhaps, Soobin's mouth quirked up at the sight. It was rare after all, to see the young man emanate so much brightness. He didn't think it was even possible but, weirdly, it looked good on him.

  
"You're quite charming, Choi Soobin. If you were a royal all of the princes and princesses and court ladies would be running after you," His Highness unexpectedly complimented him and Soobin started to think that this was some kind of test of resistance. He hated his inner self for blushing at every drop of praise and hated even more the fact that those praises were coming from the person he was supposed to hate the most in the world, _the person he was supposed to kill_. It was overwhelming. He didn't like the way those words made him feel, because they made him feel good and Prince Yeonjun the IVth wasn't supposed to make him feel good.

  
"Nothing compared to you, Your Highness," The words left Soobin's mouth almost manually, lowering his head to express his gratitude.

"Let's change it to 'my prince' or 'Yeonjun' when we are alone," _Yeonjun_ said, then let silence fall in-between them, only the sound of droplets of rain hitting the window being heard. 

"Of course, _my prince_ ," And as the form of endearment left his mouth, something fluttered inside of him. He wanted to believe that he was just nauseous.

He wondered sometimes, what did the prince see in him? Why did he trust Soobin? Why did he want to become a friend of Soobin? Why was he so sure that his loyal informant wasn’t like everyone else? It irked Soobin, that for some reason, he was different. And that for some other reason, it was _Yeonjun_ who thought of him that way. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to understand that.

* * *

_Five months before the coronation_ , Soobin was sure that either him or the rest of the country was delusional. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that there was no better choice than Choi Yeonjun to take over the throne, but even he himself thought that he sounded absolutely insane. He had to _murder_ him. How could he even think of such things when he was on a mission to take away his life? How could he share conversations and laugh with the prince when he was going to shove a dagger in his heart in less than 150 days? He was either an insanely good actor, or a terrible liar.

There were a few times when Soobin felt the most like the second one, though.

It was on Friday nights, when Yeonjun had the tendency to roam around the empty hallways of restricted areas of the palace and show Soobin little parts of his family history. Soobin loved Friday nights, because he always felt that the prince trusted him the most during those hours. Sometimes the two of them would pass through hidden passages and carry casual discussions in tiny, forgotten rooms of the castle and other times they would explore hypothetically haunted territories, being well aware that no one would ever find them there. Maybe only if they tried hard enough. Soobin thought that would be a good place to kill him, but strangely, from a point on, the thought began to sting him everywhere. _Even if I don't want to kill the prince, I have to_. He often told himself and he knew that he didn't have a choice. If the prince isn't evil the mission goes down the hill along with his life and that was the last thing Soobin wanted. So Prince Yeonjun was evil, the worst, _really_.

"Did you take this job to protect your family?" The royal asked on one of those Friday nights, redirecting his glance from the ornamental ceiling to his guardian, who seemed to be deep in his own world. He let out a guttural noise of approval as a response, but Yeonjun seemed to want more than that. He was always trying to find out unnecessary details about Soobin's life. "Did they consent this?" He asked another question, being given the same answer in return. "Am I handsome?" He continued, and Soobin wasn't paying attention anymore, letting out another hum of approval. Though it didn't take long for him to figure it out, face running pale.

And there it was, that radiating laugh again. Soobin didn't want to admit it, but every single time Yeonjun smiled or laughed like that, he felt his insides twist and melt, as if it was something rather magical. And the fact that he was the cause of that vivid beam made him feel even better, for some odd reason.

"Why do you hold back so much?" The prince bombarded Soobin with another question after quieting down, the inquiry forming a frown on the guardian's face. "You never get out of character, always so faithful to the role that you own, even when we're alone like this," He then explained himself and Soobin wanted to laugh at how ironic the situation was. _The last_ thing Soobin was supposed to do was break out of character. If he did, everything would go to waste.

“My life is on the line, _my prince_ ,” Soobin murmured and for once he was being completely honest with his Highness. He didn’t know how Prince Yeonjun would interpret that, but when their eyes met all he could see was a soothing glance, filled with reassurance and apology, as if he was at fault for that. And yes, mostly, he was to blame. “If I let loose, I might lose everything. And there is nothing much left for me to lose,” He kept going when the silence began to drown them, hoping that the walls in that room were different, maybe they couldn’t hear, or could forget. He had to create a bond after all, he was ought to open up the prince at some point.

“As long as you are by my side, Choi Soobin, there is nothing to be afraid of,” The young prince spoke firmly, looking at his informant with such certainty in his eyes that Soobin almost felt it strike through him. 

“Everyone is after you, my prince. There is a lot to be afraid of,”

The prince smiled fondly at his guardian’s words, letting out a sigh.

“That’s why I have you, right?”

Soobin felt something twist in his throat. It felt like guilt, but he wouldn’t admit to it.

* * *

Soobin has never attended a festival. Whenever one of them would take place somewhere nearby he would just climb up the tallest tree in town and observe from afar. They seemed fun, or at least that was what he could notice from the behavior of the attenders, who were dancing and singing and laughing all day long. They were always so crowded and Soobin was always curious of what was so great about being pushed back and forth by tons of strangers. It didn’t look very different from the town-market, which Soobin absolutely disliked. So, when he was informed that he would accompany the prince to a regal festival, he wasn’t very excited about it, in contrast with the young royal man who was almost _beaming_.

He found it strange, since Yeonjun has probably been to hundreds of such events. Wouldn’t he be used to them already?

“Have you ever been to a festival, Soobin?” The prince asked when the two of them were left alone. The throne successor was pampered in tailored clothes that made him look incredulously dashing, his blond hair caught up with a stunning clip. Soobin would tend to avoid it, the beauty that the nation’s prince was gifted with. The guardian would find himself often mesmerized by his visual, but he never admitted it unless asked about it by the prince himself.

“No, my prince. But I am not very fond of them,” He expressed his opinion, watching as the prince’s plump lips morphed into a pout right away, eyes growing big. A far away part of his brain found him meltingly cute, but that was an inappropriate thought to have and Soobin was a very appropriate young man. Maybe he was just tired.

“If you have never been to one, how do you know you won’t like it?” The prince insisted, approaching Soobin all of a sudden. “Let’s drop the armor for today, we’ll make you look like the festival itself!”

And Soobin was as confused as the amount of excitement Yeonjun had and then everything he could see was swarming ladies, colorful materials and needles. To say that he was terrified of the upcoming events was an understatement. He was stiff and getting impatient and the prince kept singing like a chirping bird in the background while poor Soobin kept on getting used as a standing mannequin. _What is this situation?_ He thought to himself, wanting it to end as soon as possible.

By the time they were done with pampering Soobin, it was almost time to leave. And the guardian must admit that he didn’t look bad himself. Although he felt a bit uncomfortable, there was a drastic, positive change in his appearance and by the unreadable look on the prince’s expression, he was most likely thinking the same thing. But, in comparison with Soobin who was appreciating the prince with his thoughts only, the prince was more straightforward and outspoken.

“You will outshine the entire festival today, Choi Soobin,” He pointed out, staring at him from head-to-toe as if there was something grand in front of him, something worth admiring and Soobin did not know what to do. He knew that he didn’t look bad at all, but he didn’t think of himself as anything even close to special, or worth admiring. He was still an insignificant boy from the country-side, dressed in expensive clothes.

“That should not happen, Your Highness,”

The prince chuckled at his informant’s seriousness, before the moment was interrupted by one of the servants announcing their departure.

It was the first time Soobin was accompanying Prince Yeonjun outside of palace premises and it did feel quite different. Even sitting right beside him in the carriage felt, more important than anything they’ve done before, especially with the way in which the prince would steal glances at Soobin from time to time, or scoot closer to show him certain places they were passing by. Whenever he did so, Soobin was trying to hold back from staring too much at his prince’s face (that was too close for his liking) and attempted to focus on what he was being shown and told instead. Sometimes it was hard, to detach his eyes from the beauty of the royal man. _I must be insane_.

And he was, he was insane. Prince Yeonjun was driving him insane. If Soobin thought that dealing with carriage Yeonjun was hard, he was underestimating festival Yeonjun. The second the two of them stepped out of the vehicle the prince became unstoppable. He started running through the crowd as if his life depended on it and no one was even paying attention to him, as if everyone was too preoccupied to notice that the Crown Prince was among them, running free. And he was fast, so fast that Soobin almost lost him once, but luckily the young man’s pace was slowing down, giving Soobin the chance to catch him in the span of a few seconds.

“Your Highness, what are you doing?” Soobin almost gritted through his teeth, reminding himself who he was talking to, his expression changing into a neutral one even though his insides were still burning.

“This is a royal festival,” Prince Yeonjun stated, a bit breathless, giving his informant a cheeky smile. “The prince isn’t supposed to be in the crowd, so no one expects him to be in the crowd. Therefore, I am just another spectator, until someone notices,” He then explained and although he wasn’t making a lot of sense, Soobin felt more relieved since his Highness wasn’t trying to run away or something atrocious like that.

“Then why are you in the crow-“

“Just come with me,” The prince cut him off and grabbed his arm, beginning to run again, this time dragging Soobin along every step.

The situation was scandalous and yet a part of Soobin was loving it, the rebellious aspect of it all, the cold air hitting his face while they were running, the grip of Yeonjun’s fingers around his clothed arm, the countless of bodies they were clashing into, but that didn’t show any sign of interest aside from disturbance, all of those things were making Soobin feel something he hasn’t felt in a long while. He felt alive, uncontrollable, young. And when they arrived to the destination, a secluded place behind the crowd with a clear view of the festival from afar, Soobin wanted to turn back time and do that again and again, and again, and again.

The two young men were slouching forward, their hands on their knees as they were breathing heavily, their mouths wearing faint smiles.

“Not bad, right?” The prince said confidently, checking Soobin’s features for any sign of displeasure. The guardian tried to seem irritated, but his true feelings kept on getting in the way, feeling caught red-handed. “You need to let loose sometimes, Choi Soobin. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy,” He added, then jumped on the empty table behind them, looking away.

Soobin didn’t want to ponder over it, jumping beside the prince right when the festival started, but what the prince told him was already stuck in his head, twirling his thoughts upside-down. _I can only let loose once I kill you, my prince. After that, I will be happy_. Soobin thought while staring at an over-enthusiastic young royal, who at that moment, didn’t look like he deserved all of the bad things in the world to happen to him.

“Prince Choi Yeonjun is so irresponsible. How could he not show up at the regal festival? The King must have been stupefied,” A voice in the crowd was heard near them a little bit after the festival took over and Soobin knew that the woman was right, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it when other people were bad-mouthing the prince behind his back. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t stand it. But he also knew that they couldn’t reveal themselves, so he didn’t say something.

“Father is the one who suggested that I attend festivals as a spectator rather than a royal,” Soobin heard the prince speak, as if he owed any type of explanation. “He always says that I should know how people feel, to be able to understand them and provide them what they like. This way I can see what’s great about the festival and what is not so great and when I will become someone in charge of the festival, I will be able to make the great greater and the not so great, great,” He kept going and Soobin was quite fascinated, because everything made so much sense. The prince wasn’t slacking off, or being rebellious and irresponsible, he was learning, adapting, preparing himself for bigger days.

It always seemed that, everything that the prince was judged for, had a deeper meaning.

“I believe you, my prince,” Soobin whispered after a while, looking at Yeonjun with a small, tight smile, filled with honesty. And the other, although quite taken aback, returned the smile.

* * *

_Four months before the coronation_ , Soobin’s brain reminded him like it did every single month. It was a sort of mental countdown, a warning, an awakening. After the festival the prince and his guardian became even closer, Yeonjun considering Soobin his one and only good friend and Soobin had to assure the prince that the feeling was mutual. But it wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t. Soobin would never murder a friend. It was still a façade, his closure with the prince.

“You seem distracted, my prince. Is this about the visit of the Huenings?”

On the first day of spring, the Huening royal family visited the castle and announced that their son Huening Kai was getting married and that the whole Choi family was invited to the event. During their visit they also mentioned that they wanted to marry off their daughter to one of the Choi princes, who thought that none of them was in need of a spouse more than their brother Yeonjun, the next King. And ever since their leave, the prince was acting unusually distracted and quiet, mostly hidden in his room. Soobin had figured that there was a reason why most of his brothers were already married, meanwhile Yeonjun had never been in a relationship, nor married.

“When father told me that I will be his successor, I had a single condition and that was, if I were to become King, I would have the right to marry whoever I want. It was a serious request, since marriage with the King ties relationships in-between districts and kingdoms, and establishes harmony and trust in the empire. His Majesty was furious at first, but when the waters calmed down, he thought carefully about my offer and eventually accepted it. Of course, he had his own condition,” Yeonjun made a pause in his story and turned around from where he was facing the window to facing Soobin, who was standing close, listening attentively. “He told me that when I become King, I have to maintain the harmony and trust without tangled marriages. And if I fail, I must leave the law unchanged and marry away.”

 _Prince Yeonjun has guts_. Was Soobin’s first mental reaction to what he heard. He wanted to break centuries of law and tradition for his own will, a good will. Soobin himself was never fond of arranged marriages, but he would never be brave enough to do what prince Yeonjun had in mind. Choose his freedom of choice over life and death, over a kingdom. Soobin tried to convince himself that the prince’s motives were selfish and outrageous, but deep-down he respected him, admired him, understood him.

“What kind of person do you want to marry?” The guardian asked after sitting down on the armchair. He didn’t know if he was acting or if he was truly curious about it.

The prince smiled to himself and leaned backwards on the window, crossing his arms. He stared at Soobin for a while, lost in thought.

“Someone who will love me for who I am, not who I have to be,” He responded after a quiet segment and his answer sounded more personal thnt it should have been. It was the depth in Yeonjun’s eyes when he said that and how his eyelashes didn’t flutter once, glance fixed on Soobin only. But then he looked away and the intensity dispersed. “What about you?” He questioned in return and Soobin was caught off guard.

Rare were the times when Soobin would think about marriage, but he always knew that he was in need of…

“Someone who will understand me, understand the reasons behind my thoughts and actions and support them,” He voiced his thoughts out, avoiding the prince’s, once again, captivating stare.

“I thought you were going to say something like, _someone who will feed me even in my sleep,_ ” The prince joked, letting out a short laugh and Soobin couldn’t hold his smile back either. “You eat a lot, Choi Soobin,” Yeonjun then stated, quieter, as if he was saying it to himself, without looking directly at him. “But you’re so endearing when you eat, that no one could ever tell you anything,” He kept going, his tone even softer and Soobin did what he was best at, pretended not to hear.

Occasionally the prince would do that, mumble sweet things about Soobin under his breath, things that no one else has ever said about him before. They were like insignificant observations and Soobin was not sure if he was supposed to react to them or not, if they were personal or intentional. He didn’t know what they meant or what they were supposed to make him feel, but he grew attached to them, sometimes he even expected to hear them. They made him feel, _noticed and important_ , more than skin and bones.

There were nights when Soobin was awake for hours thinking of those little nothings, that meant so much to him, that always got him twisting and turning in frustration, because every single thought he had of the prince, good or bad, was always tied with his upcoming death. Truth was, he was confused. He didn’t know what was real anymore and if he really wanted to kill the prince, or if he just felt like he had to. If he was doing what he was doing for a better future, then he was making a fool out of himself, because Prince Yeonjun was the perfect person to create a better world.

He was wondering if his accomplices were the actual enemies and he was too blinded by their misleading approach at the beginning of it all. But he knew that he couldn’t back off anymore and he was getting afraid, afraid of becoming too attached to the prince. He already felt so whole around him and the fact that they had so much time left (and yet, so little) wasn’t helping.

Perhaps that was the reason why he began acting so strange after a point on. He was sensible, reserved, distant. He was avoiding unprofessional moments with the prince, keeping his sentences short and cold and his feelings restrained. Even when the young man was being too intrusive, constantly asking about his change of behavior and throwing tantrums here and there, Soobin remained unphased. Or at least that was what he was showing on the outside, because on the inside, _oh on the inside_ he was aching. He hated it, the situation that he put himself in. But most of all, he hated the way the prince was looking at him. He hated knowing that the last time he saw him smile was too long ago to remember, aware that he was to blame.

“Did someone threaten you?” Prince Yeonjun tried for the thousandth time to get something out of Soobin, but the guardian wouldn’t even glance in his direction. “I am trying to understand you, Soobin,” He continued, weaker than before. “You said that you needed someone who could understand you and support you no matter what,” He whispered and Soobin felt something tear in his chest. Those words only almost pushed the whole truth out of his throat, but he inhaled sharply and let them go through a trembling breath. The sound echoed in the empty hallway of the castle and filled the tense silence. “Why are you holding back?” His Highness muttered, grabbing his informant by the collar and Soobin was finally looking at him, perplexed.

 _He was losing it_.

“Why?!” The prince’s fingers tightened around the collar.

“Because I don’t have another choice!”

 _And he lost it_. His voice raised and his hands started trembling, staring at Yeonjun with the most helpless and angry, teary eyes.

He felt the prince’s grip loosen, his face filled with emotions Soobin couldn’t describe. And then he did something outrageous and unforeseen. He hugged Soobin. He wrapped his arms around him and brought him close, then slowly started to caress his back with his warm palms, as if he had been waiting to do so for a very long time. And Soobin, although petrified, hated himself for feeling so comfortable in the other’s embrace.

They stayed like that for a little while, until Soobin’s breathing evened and their heartbeats collided, until Yeonjun’s arms gave up and fell on his guardian’s sides, their hands brushing softly against one another, not daring to look at each other. Their hearts were loud enough to replace a million words. They didn’t know what it was, or pretended not to know, but they were aware of it, of the connection they had. The one and only thing Soobin had been running away from for almost a whole month. _Feelings_. _Forbidden_ feelings.

“I apologize, my prince,” Soobin said quietly, taking the courage to look at the prince again. He then lowered his head and brought his hands together in front of his torso, waiting for a sign of anything from the other. He heard a heavy exhale then felt two slender fingers prompt themselves underneath his chin, lifting his head up.

“You don’t have to apologize, nor lower your head in front of me. All you have to do is let go for a moment, and breathe. Let yourself _breathe_ , Soobin. _It’s okay_ ,” The prince spoke tenderly, lightly touching the right side of Soobin’s face with his palm, contact to which the guardian closed his eyes and let it soothe him. The royal caressed the soft skin feverishly and smiled faintly when Soobin let out a heavy, shuddery breath.

“Come here,” Prince Yeonjun said after a bit, opening his arms wide and welcoming and although hesitant, Soobin let himself engulfed in them, tightening his own arms around the other’s small frame. And he could finally feel content, as if he belonged somewhere. As if he was _home_. “ _Everything will be okay_.”

* * *

_Nothing was okay_. There were only three months left until the coronation and Soobin was _devastated_. He was on the verge of tears only from the bare sight of the prince. Things were going too well in-between them, forming millions of knots of guilt in his chest. _We will rule the world together. You will always be by my side. The sun and the moon couldn’t compare themselves to us_. All of those empty promises and statements were only making things worse, but a foolish side of him always believed them, hoped for them too.

Especially during moments like... 

_“You have such big hands, Choi Soobin,” His Highness stated mindlessly, placing his own, smaller hand above his’ to compare them. He hummed in approval and tried to ignore the increasing speed of the thumps in his chest from the minimum contact of skin they were having. And indeed, Soobin’s hands looked way bigger under Yeonjun’s._

_“It is because you are short, my prince,” Soobin responded in a teasing tone, bending his fingers over the prince’s smaller ones._

_“How dare you, you giant, giant!” Yeonjun exclaimed, pretending to be offended and threatening, but by the way in which Soobin was giving him one of his infamous bemused expressions, he could figure out that he wasn’t doing a very good job._

_“Oh! So evil!” Soobin kept up the teasing, raising his arms up in defence and then both of them eased into quiet giggles._

Or other moments like, falling asleep in the same room on cloudy afternoons, or counting the stars from the royal garden in the middle of the night, or greeting each other sheepishly every early morning. Or it could also be a heart-fluttering second, like the one he was in at that moment, with Prince Yeonjun fixing the uneven parts of his attire, taking in the sight of him with a satisfied guise. They were attending the wedding of Prince Huening Kai that day and both of them were dressed in glamorous pieces of clothing, patterned in particles of silver and gold. They were waiting for the rest of the family to finish their preparations, using the time to appreciate each other and swift into a light conversation. 

"Are you and Prince Huening Kai friends?" Soobin was the one to open the discussion, stopping the prince from brushing his fingers through the brunette hair of his informant. 

"I suppose," He mumbled, continuing to rearrange Soobin's hairdo. "Close enough to know that there will be no wedding today at the Huening castle," The prince added, catching the obvious confusion in the other's features. "Our Prince Kai will run away," He clarified shortly after the guardian looked him in the eyes, wordlessly asking for an explanation. 

But he still didn’t seem satisfied with the answer, feeling that something was missing, something important. “And we will help him,” _Something like that_.

“Absurdities,” Soobin let his mouth speak before thinking twice, feeling the prince’s hand freeze on the top of his head. “Why would we do that? It’s dangerous, Your Highness,” He spoke again, just as sternly and abruptly as before, watching the way in which Yeonjun slowly moved farther away from him, giving him a befuddled look.

“He doesn’t _want_ to get married, Soobin. And he depends on us to help him escape, he depends on _me_ ,” The prince spoke adamantly, almost begging Soobin with his gaze. He probably never thought that his guardian could ever reject him and, well, _he was not wrong_. Although Soobin was against of the idea of it all, the urgency the young man was overflowing with was making it almost impossible for him to ignore. And after all, he was the prince’s most loyal company, the one man who had to walk with him through frost and fire without regret. He could never let him down, in any way.

He knew that it was a lie and that he eventually would, let him down in the most gruesome way, but at that point in time, it was only half-a-lie.

And that was how he found himself with a ticking countdown at the back of his head from the instant his prince stood up to ‘ _say a few words about his friend’_ right before Prince Huening Kai was supposed to make his appearance. Their plan was simple-minded and with no other back-up, consisted of Yeonjun grasping the crowd’s attention to give Soobin time to sneak out and help Prince Kai escape the palace. The boy was supposed to wait for him in front of a secret exit at the back of the royal place and Soobin let out a breath of relief when he was right there, nervously fumbling with his arms.

“Hyung!” The young prince almost chirped when he noticed the guardian, his prior nervousness becoming a wide, thankful grin. And then they took off right away, having no time to lose on unnecessary exchanges. The secret passage was dusty, dark, and narrow, its ceiling sometimes touching Soobin’s head, but they had to be fast despite of it all. From a point on, Soobin grabbed the little prince’s arm and started running without a halt, pushing every obstacle out of their way in the process and when he could finally see a light somewhere near, it felt like Heaven.

Beams of sunlight were passing through the cracks of the wooden door in front of them, and all Soobin had to do was push it and then they were outside, in front of a crystalizing river, surrounded by high, green grass, colorful flowers and rich trees. There was no sign of other human beings, so the two males continued their journey, meanwhile Prince Yeonjun was running out of words to say and the crowd was getting impatient.

He was getting side-eyed by his brothers, but their glares weren’t even half as intense as the way in which Kang Taehyun was burning holes through him. Yeonjun was always most afraid of him, because he was the smartest and most cunning one among them all. He had no interest in wealth or the power of the throne, solely thriving on the chaos and the secrecy of the ones around him instead. He was always unexpected, always there where trouble was near and he knew more than any other resident of the palace, about everything and everyone. He didn’t have friends, nor did he seem in need of them and he only shared his knowledge if he was getting something in return, or if he could cause enough unfortune with the information. And by the nuance of his stare at the wedding, Yeonjun was sure that he already knew way too well what was going on.

“Do not tire yourselves, the prince won’t show up,” Kang Taehyun proved the prince’s thoughts after Huening Kai’s absence became prominent and the guards were sent to look for him. The atmosphere was unsettling in the room and Taehyun decided to make it heavier by approaching Prince Soobin with a scheming smile. “Where is your loyal guardian, Your Highness?” He whispered near Yeonjun’s ear, then exited the royal setting as if he owned the place. _So showy_. The prince thought to himself and grimaced, sitting back down in his seat with a wavering heart.

Soobin’s heart was also wavering. Although he succeeded in dropping the little prince off and watched him leave in a foreign carriage to an unknown destination, he was still worried. _Worried about his prince_. He hurriedly made his way back to the palace and dusted off his clothes, entering the hall with a deep inhale. And inside there he found, chaos. Everyone was whispering in an alarmed matter, the spouse was crying, her father shouting in disbelief at the Huenings and then, in a more peaceful corner, Prince Yeonjun was sitting quietly in his seat, looking anxious.

He must’ve felt eyes on him, because his head suddenly turned and glanced right at Soobin and in spite of everything that was going on around them, the two of them smiled at each other, finding inner peace in the presence of one another. _We did it_. Was what both of them were thinking and later on, when they arrived back at the Choi castle, they celebrated their success over a glass of wine.

“Thank you,” Prince Yeonjun repeated himself after emptying another glass, then sprawled out on his bed. _He looked cute_ , Soobin thought, unaware of the rosiness in his own cheeks and the effect the alcohol was starting to have on him. 

“Really cute,” He mumbled out-loud while keeping a straight face, then dangerously approached the prince and grabbed his cheeks. _He must be out of his mind_. “You, are a very cute prince,” He elaborated, his lips in a pout as he kept on fiddling with the prince’s soft cheeks. On the other side, Prince Yeonjun was dumbfounded, staring up at his guardian with the biggest eyes. He never expected Soobin would be such a light drinker, since he’d barely finished only three glasses. And he didn’t know how to deal with it, because the man above him was not the Choi Soobin he knew. And the worst part was that, he liked it.

He liked the warmth of Soobin’s fingers on his skin and the shameless, yet childish words that were coming out of his red, pouty mouth. He liked how precious he looked like that, his hair not perfectly combed and his face pinkish, filled with expressions the prince has never seen before.

“Why are you always so charming and kind, and, _good_?” The guardian broke the prince’s chain of thoughts with another wave of compliments and then he removed his palms from Yeonjun’s face to place them on his own, seeming distressed. “I don’t understand,” He then shook his head dramatically and plopped on the mattress beside his prince. "I don't," He whispered, shaking his head again and Yeonjun let out a breathy giggle. He was amused by his guardian's exasperation. He figured it was a very special chance, to see him so, loose and unbothered. Well, certainly _bothered_ but not in a stiff, self-destructive way. He was acting thoughtlessly, freely and Yeonjun loved to see it. 

"What else?" The prince asked, curious, turning on his side to take a better look at the tipsy man. 

“I feel so bad when,” Soobin said, quieter, his emotions changing drastically from distressed to sad, giving the prince a pitiful glance. “When the world doesn’t appreciate you. When they judge you without even asking for an explanation and when they see you only as the successor of a throne, not a human being. I want them to be able to see you the way I do,” The young guard unleashed his thoughts as if they were dying to come out, almost unconsciously patting the prince’s head in reassurance. “I want to show them how, outstanding you are,” He continued, stumbling on difficult syllables here and there.

And Choi Yeonjun, became entirely speechless.

“If you were just a countryside boy like me, maybe life would have been easier, maybe we could have been happier,” Soobin added, his eyelids becoming droopy and his voice weak. And that was also the last thing he said, before he fell asleep and left Prince Yeonjun gravely unhinged and stunned, his heart beating way too loud in his throat for his own good. He stood like that for a while, his muscles tensed and his mind hazy, his vision full of a sleeping Soobin.

And that night, the prince was unable to fall asleep. He kept on going in circles with thoughts of Choi Soobin and everything that he said, everything that he did and everything that he was. The prince knew from the very first day, just how special he was, but he was not prepared for the entirety of him and just how powerful he was. A bit too strong for the prince’s fragile heart. He invaded his life all of a sudden then made him see a brighter side of his own world, made him find essence in whatever he was living and doing, as long as he was by his side. No one has ever made him feel that way and he did not know how to handle it.

 _Maybe, indeed, if he was also just another countryside boy, their lives would’ve been easier_.

* * *

After the wine incident, Choi Soobin became a living ghost. He was haunting himself with the memories from that night and doing his best at keeping his composure around his prince at all times. He was thankful, however, that Yeonjun didn't mention anything about it and simply moved on, as if nothing had happened. And yet, even days after, there was an obvious change in the air in-between them. It was something unspeakable, private, a tad heavy and suffocating, an atmosphere they couldn't control. Not even the prince's increased amount of schedules could distract them from just how protrusive that air was. 

“Huening Kai sent a letter, he is safe,” The prince filled the silence the two of them had been caught in for a while, both too concentrated on their own duties. It was Saturday, two weeks after the wedding and their secret incident and although Saturdays were the least busy days of the palace, the prince and his guardian seemed busier than ever.

“That is good news,” Soobin replied monotonously, focused on a piece of paper that he’s read at least thirty times in the last ten minutes. _He had no idea what it said_.

And then the young men sank back into their quietude. Then they blinked and it was Monday and everything was still ‘ _Good’_ , ‘ _Great’_ , ‘ _I can’t, I have a, thing to do_ ,’ and many other empty forms of speech that were signaling towards the fact that, Yeonjun and Soobin were avoiding each other. It was a sight for sore eyes, really, so obvious that even the birds outside of the prince’s window noticed.

“Do you want a week-leave to visit your family?” Prince Yeonjun asked Soobin on a Thursday and the young man was gone by Friday. Week-leaves weren’t even an existent thing in the palace, no one was allowed to ever leave, but Soobin couldn’t complain, because he got some time to spend with his dear parents and was even able to pass by the secret association and update them on the plan. Of course, he left out a lot of details that would make it seem like he was truly close to the prince and assured them that in two months, Prince Choi Yeonjun would be out of the picture. He hated the bitter taste in his mouth when he told them that, though and despised the way in which his chest ached at the thought of it.

He didn’t want to go back to the palace, even if a side of him missed it already, _or missed someone in particular_. If he were honest with himself, he was worried that something would happen to the prince in his absence. He couldn’t trust anyone in there, despite the fact that he himself was the one who had to be the least trusted. And still, he had a bad feeling.

“Did you hear? Prince Choi Beomgyu’s spouse was condemned to death for attempted murder. Apparently, she tried to poison the fourth prince,” An unfamiliar voice was heard in the background, making Soobin stall. The apple he was holding in his hand fell down and rolled on the ground along with his heart and for a brief second, he forgot how to breathe. “The prince’s condition is confidential for the time being,” Another stranger said and Soobin’s head started spinning and then he did the first thing his mind could process at that moment. He started running.

He started running as if death itself was chasing him and even when his throat was wheezing and he couldn’t feel his feet, he didn’t stop. He didn’t stop until he found an empty carriage and rushed the driver inside, pushing him with breathless shouts to go faster when it felt as if they were taking ages. He was on the verge of driving it himself, but he didn’t know if he could really trust his shaky body at the time. _What if he’s already…_ Soobin’s subconscious kept on telling him, but he refused to listen. His mind and body blocked every source of thought and sound that was halting him and then he was running again, right through the palace gates and then down the hustled hallways, almost bursting through Prince Yeonjun’s door. He didn’t care about the stares he was getting or the shouts and orders that were directed at him, he didn’t care about anything else other than his prince.

Once he stepped in the royal room and closed the door behind him, he tried to catch his breath first, but he found it impossible to do when he saw Prince Yeonjun in his bed, eyes closed. He approached him hurriedly and kneeled by his side and with a trembling hand he touched the pulse on his neck. And when he found it, quiet and steady underneath his skin, he let out the heaviest, shuddery breath, prompting his sweaty forehead on the edge of the bed, eyes closing in relief. _He’s alive_. The thought was circling his brain on and on, as if his life depended on its existence and then he grabbed the prince’s hand and squeezed it tight, only to make sure that it was _real_ and _there_ and _warm_ , **alive**. He didn’t quite realize how cold he was himself and how much he was shaking, but when he caught his reflection in the mirror behind the bed, he couldn’t even recognize himself.

He was covered in sweat, his hair disheveled and dirty, his eyes droopy, his lips dry and his clothes wrinkled, the pitiful sight awakening a pain he couldn’t feel before in his whole body, from his limbs to his back and his neck. The consequences of his thoughtless running were acting up. He could feel a twisting pressure in his stomach and his head was getting heavy, his breathing still uneven. _At least my prince is safe_. And with that last reassurance, he passed out. 

"Isn't it tragic?" Kang Taehyun asked while leaning on the door of Prince Beomguy's room, his glance zoning out somewhere on the carpeted floor. "Two people who feel so strongly for one another and yet, their fate is written with smeared blood," 

"What are you talking about?" The black-haired prince asked, looking at Taehyun with hidden curiosity in his tired eyes. He needed something or someone to distract him from the havoc in his head.

"Why would I trust you, Prince Beomgyu? We both know that you are no saint," The blond man stated, his expression guileful. He noticed the visible annoyance in the royal man's face and it almost felt like a drug, the way in which the prince bit the inside of his cheek and looked away. 

"I think you know way too well, Kang Taehyun, that my opinion never mattered anyway," The prince said, his tone filled with bitterness and disappointment and then he disappeared in his room without another word or glance. And Taehyun didn't like it, the feeling of compassion that passed through him. 


	2. a fated love is a dangerous thing to have, when the fate is smeared with blood. (but it is worth it)

There was a burning sensation in Soobin’s knees, as if his skin was being torn apart. He tried to ignore it for a while, but once he became aware of its existence, it was suddenly too much to handle. The first thing he did was try to move them, but the action sent shivers down his spine and a striking pain attacked his legs. With a grunt, he opened his eyes and although he was feeling as if a giant bell was ringing in his ears, he could still recognize his surroundings. He was in the prince’s room. That single realization made his head hurt, memory after memory flashing through his mind, hitting him continuously.

Once he felt more awake, he lifted his head from the mattress and looked down at the ground. He was kneeling on the floor, the friction of his knees with the carpet being the obvious source of his pain. He must have been in that position for hours. Carefully, he grabbed the edge of the bed with his free hand and tried to push himself upwards, his legs going entirely numb in the process. He gave up halfway through and sat down on the bed, his attention moving onto the prince beside him. He didn’t expect to meet a pair of low-lidded eyes looking back at him.

They stayed like that for a while, in silence, the grip they were holding each other’s hand with tightening in the meantime. _I should’ve been there for him_.

“None of this is your fault,” The prince said, his voice small and hoarse and it was as if he was reading Soobin’s mind all over again.

“Don’t tire yourself,” The guardian answered, using his other hand to remove the blond strands of hair that were sticking to the prince’s forehead.

“Why?” Prince Yeonjun inquired, searching something in his guardian’s stare and then smiled to himself. “Because I’m the cutest prince you’ve ever seen?” He made another question, his smile reaching his eyebags, knocking Soobin right into the weakest spot of his chest.

“You talk too much, my prince,” Soobin dodged the teasing with a quiet remark, the corners of his mouth lifting in a small simper.

“I will take that as a yes,” Yeonjun replied, then closed his eyes, his head already swarming with _Soobin, Soobin, Soobin, Soobin and only Soobin_.

“I am sorry for leaving you alone,” The guardian whispered, admiring the way in which golden rays of sunlight were painting lines on the prince’s face. He then moved closer and the sunlight was gone, stolen by his shadow. Whether he was away or close to him, he was always harming the prince in a way or another. If he was far away, he was letting the beams disturb the prince, and if he was getting too close, he was stealing the sunlight. Maybe in his mind, he was protecting him, but at what cost? 

Why was he sitting by the prince’s side even when he was asleep? Why was he taking care of him with such cautiousness, as if he was made of porcelain? And why was he so afraid of the porcelain breaking? Why was he getting nauseated from the thought of someone or something harming the porcelain? Why was it so important to him? He was supposed to shatter it into pieces, not try to fix it. He wasn’t supposed to pity him, nor hold his hand, nor think he was cute, or handsome, or charming and kind and good and deserving of the most precious aspects of life. He wasn’t supposed to feel whole around him and empty without him. So, why, why did he feel all of those things so deeply?

Soobin thought a lot about all of those questions during the prince’s recovery and when he was back on his feet and there were only three weeks left until the coronation, he knew that he was done for. He had to start hating the prince during those weeks, or choose to die. And of course, he didn’t want to die. Gladly, in his advantage (or disadvantage), the prince became too busy during those days to have time to spend personal moments with his guardian, so Soobin was able to form a transparent wall in-between them that only he could see. He began telling himself every single day, like a prayer, that what the world thought of Yeonjun was true and that he wasn’t made for the throne. He hoped that he could eventually believe it if he said it enough times, but he was only fooling himself.

And then he blinked and there were only three days left until the coronation and two days and 23 hours until he had to murder the prince.

“You will stand right beside me during the coronation and then we will rule the world together,” The prince said ambitiously on the first night and Soobin could only fake a smile.

“I want to hold your hand when I sit on the throne,” He said dreamily on the second evening, four hours before midnight, three hours before Soobin had to ruin the prince’s dream. To stop him from being able to dream at all. “I also want to dance with you once,” He stated two hours before midnight, then stared at Soobin with hopeful eyes.

They were sitting in the royal garden, surrounded by tall roses and chrysanthemums that were hiding them from the curious eyes of the world. It was dark, the only source of light they had being a dim lantern they left on a nearby bench, but they could still see each other clearly. Soobin could feel the dagger in under his sleeve and he could sense the time slipping through his fingertips, the idea of giving up passing way too many times through his mind. But he couldn’t, the life of his family was in his hands.

“Then I shall offer you one, your Highness,” He told Prince Yeonjun with a little grin and extended his hand out as an invitation. He could already feel hot tears forming in his gut when the prince’s eyes sparkled with excitement and his hand fit itself perfectly in his’. And then with a swift movement, he dragged the shorter man close, positioning their arms in a waltz stance. There was no music, but it didn’t seem like they cared, letting their bodies take control of the moment.

They made small steps and even spun sometimes, their giggles echoing in the night and their chests touching in segments of clumsiness. But the time was nearing, Soobin’s hands were sweating, his heartbeat reaching his throat and his tears aching at the back of his tongue. The prince was still clueless, laughing and looking at his guardian as if angels were falling from the sky and Soobin was going crazy. _He didn’t want to_. He _couldn’t_ do it. But he _had_ to. With a last move, guardian Choi Soobin spun Prince Yeonjun around then brought him close to his chest, pressing his rose-patterned dagger on top of the royal man’s clothing.

And the time stopped. Both of their breaths halted and Soobin’s tears reached his eyes, Prince Yeonjun’s body remaining paralyzed in the other’s strong arms.

It was supposed to happen in the blink of a moment. A swift, nonchalant movement filled with repressed anger and no resentment, but even with the tip of his golden dagger pressed against Prince Yeonjun's heart, he was unable to do it. His eyes that were supposed to be always filled with darkness and coldness were staring back at Soobin in indistinguishable ways and nuances, thousands of emotions brimming from them. Where was the hatred and the malice that everyone was so afraid of? Soobin couldn't see it. He was unable to see it from the very beginning. But it was his duty, to murder the IV's Prince of the Choi Kingdom. 

  
"Choi Soobin," The prince whispered, transfixed, his pupils wide, his stare and voice a mix of sentiments that the son of a mere pastor from the countryside understood way too well. Betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, sadness, anger, confusion, humiliation and something else, something he was not allowing himself to notice. He was curious for a brief moment what could the other man see in his eyes. Was it revenge? Duty? Or, pity? Or was it even more than that, more than he'd want to surface? 

  
He cautiously watched as Prince Yeonjun's ice-cold hands wrapped around his’ on the dagger and he didn't know if he was trying to restrain him or push him, making him feel nauseous all of the sudden. Only if he could turn back time, to meet him all over again, under different circumstances, with the right people, he wouldn't have to go through this. He would've been right by the prince's side, protecting him from people like himself. People whose sole purpose in life is to hurt the royals, to gain power. 

  
It was supposed to be simple. All he had to do was gain the prince's trust and take him down. He didn't know he would be endangered of feelings he's never felt before in his entire life. He never knew he was getting into something way more dangerous than a life and death experience. He never knew he would fall in...

“ _Love_ ,” Soobin heard himself say out-loud, his voice dying out in a broken sob, tears streaming down his face. Yeonjun mirrored him right away, letting his cry be seen and heard. “I can’t do this,” He said in a broken whisper, both of their hands quivering on the dagger. “But they are going to take everything away from me if I don’t!” He suddenly shouted, the knife forming a cut in the prince’s shirt. “But…” His grip around the dagger weakened. “You are a part of my everything…” He mumbled, the realization hitting him like a gallon with ice-water, his sobs getting louder and his vision blurred.

He then felt the prince’s hands lose their grip on the weapon, grabbing Soobin’s face instead and wiping the tears with his thumbs. He was too, a crying mess, but he couldn’t yet find the words to say.

“ _Pabo_ ,” Was the first thing Yeonjun said through muffled cries, hugging Soobin with his whole strength after he dropped the dagger on the grass. “You don’t have to lose anything,” He continued, hiccupping at the end, tightening his arms as much as possible around the other. “I can find those monsters and I can save your family without moving a finger,” He spoke again, sobbing throughout the whole sentence. “I am the King,” He lastly said, releasing the strength he was holding his guardian with. And then they looked at each other again, then the clock hit midnight.

However, their relief and happiness didn't last for long. Soobin didn’t see it coming, he didn’t expect to see one of his accomplices from the association there, hiding in a close distance, but when he did, when he saw the millisecond in which the man shot his arrow towards the prince, Soobin didn’t think twice. In a swift movement, he pushed both of them to the ground, surviving the first attack without a single scratch. And after that, everything happened too fast. Right before the enemy was ready to shoot his second arrow, a knife flew right through his skull, dropping him dead in an instant. And from the darkness appeared no other than, Kang Taehyun. Soobin’s head was spinning and his heart’s pulsations could be seen and heard from miles away, matching with the prince’s, who was still underneath him. 

“Stop looking so shocked and sad," Kang Taehyun's voice brought them back to earth, snapping them out of their frightened trance. "Choi Soobin, your family is safe and sound and we already arrested the whole association. But since you did attempt to murder the next King,” He continued, loud and clear, grasping the prince and guardian’s attention right away, his pause dropping both of their hearts in the pit of their stomachs. “Well, why don’t you see after the coronation?” The young man filled the gap with another cliffhanger, grinning knowingly and kicking the dead body with his boot before leaving the scene.

_Soobin had no idea what that meant, but he was happy and grateful that everything he was going to lose that night, was safe and sound. Even if he were to die right then, he could die in peace._

"Well, that was unexpected," Prince Yeonjun voiced his thoughts after a few seconds of stunned silence. "Soobin?" He addressed to his guardian again when there was no reaction from him at all and instead of saying something, Soobin slowly detached himself from the prince and moved farther away from him.

He didn't even dare to look at him, tear after tear starting to dance again on his face, travelling from his eyelashes to his cheeks then down his chin. The reality of it all started downing on him when he heard Yeonjun speak and then saw the dead body in the garden. That could've been the prince. The prince could have had died because of Soobin. Soobin who was supposed to be the person who would love and understand the prince for who he was, not for who he had to be. Soobin who was the person the prince trusted the most in the entire universe, a soulmate. Soobin who was supposed to protect the prince with his own life, not try to take it away. Soobin who became a traitor, a coward, a spec of nobody, a lost human being that no one could understand. A foolish human being who, even when he found a someone who understood him, he took it for granted. He was not deserving of the prince's presence, or of anything that had to do with him.

"Soobin?" The young royal repeated himself and tried to approach the man, but the brunette moved farther, shaking his head in denial. “Soobin!” He exclaimed, then grabbed the other’s arms to hold him still. “Didn’t I tell you not to lower your head in front of me?” He then asked, and although he intended to sound more stable, his voice lost itself towards the end.

Once he heard those words, Soobin slowly raised his head to meet Prince Yeonjun’s gaze. Dark wooden eyes met dark chocolate ones, the sensitive skin on their eyelids and eyebags still red from how much they cried and how much more they were going to. For a while, the only noise that could be heard was the song of crickets in the night and the prince and his guardian’s stuttering breaths, none of them finding the right things to say. And then Yeonjun’s hands moved from Soobin’s arms to his cheeks, feeling up their softness and their coldness under his freezing fingers. He caressed his hair to the side of his forehead then leaned close enough to feel the air from Soobin’s mouth land on his own.

“Did you ever,” Yeonjun suddenly spoke, taking in a deep breath. “Did you ever, from the moment we met, even for a second, want to truly kill me?” He asked, desperately searching for the answer in Soobin’s gleaming pupils. It took seconds that felt like years for the guardian to let out a stranded ‘ _No_ ’ and that was the only thing the prince needed. “Then you are forgiven,” Yeonjun murmured right above Soobin’s lips before closing his eyes and pressing their mouths together in a firm kiss.

And it was a, _reverie_. It felt like two dimensions that weren’t supposed to attract one another clashed and formed an explosion so strong that they became one. It felt like angels and devils united to pull the strings of both of their hearts and tangle them together into a miracle. It was tender, yet strong, full of restrained desire and a gamma of negative and positive emotions crashing into each other with every touch of lips on lips. And when it stopped, it felt earth-shattering. So, they did it again.

It was wrong, against what the world they were living in considered ‘normal’. For two men to kiss, they had to be sick in the head, but neither of them cared in that instant. Even if it was wrong, it felt right. _Since when was happiness wrong? Since when was love wrong? Since when weren’t all humans, at the end of the day, made out of skin and bones, brain and heart? Why would they be different, just because they loved each other?_ With those thoughts, Soobin deepened the kiss and placed his hand on his prince’s nape to drag him even closer, if it was even possible.

He could still feel guilt crawling in his throat and a dark side of his brain was still trying to drag him down, but Yeonjun’s forgiveness and the softness of his love-painted lips was enough to put everything behind. _To let loose and find happiness_. And he did, he found small happiness everywhere, from the way in which Yeonjun was looking at him to the sneaky kisses they stole while running back to the prince’s room, then to the way in which they didn’t let go out each other the whole night, not even for a second, hugging each other to sleep tight enough to form a new body. He found happiness when he woke up early in the morning and caught his prince staring back at him lovingly, as if Soobin was something precious, unique and worth loving.

He found happiness when he was standing right beside Prince Yeonjun when he became the King of Joseon and found it again when he was holding his hand while the successor was sitting on his throne. He found happiness when he could melt into his mother’s arms without feeling guilt creep behind him at all times and even more happiness when his dad expressed just how proud he was of his son, for always doing the right thing. He found happiness every time he’d open his eyes and see the love of his life smiling at him with the brightest beam, then he’d kiss him as if there was no tomorrow. He found happiness when King Choi Yeonjun banned the law of arranged marriages and created a better Kingdom, one that Choi Soobin could only dream of before he met his lover.

He found happiness when Kang Taehyun became a trusted man of the palace and when Prince Choi Beomgyu’s opinions and ideas started being heard.

He found happiness when he knew things about the King that no one else knew about. Like how incredulously kissy the ruler of the country was, or how he had a soft spot for Soobin’s ears, or how sensible and ticklish the skin around his neck was. He found happiness when he could see the King in ways no one else could, like when he would almost beg Soobin to do shameless things to him, or when Soobin would touch him in spots that would make the King lose his mind, or when he would catch the King singing in the bathtub, or when he would stare at him until he would shy away. Happiness was wherever his prince was and King Choi Yeonjun was always going to be Soobin’s prince.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Yeonjun asked his lover on a Sunday afternoon, his fingers grazing softly against his naked chest. Soobin hummed in response and tangled his fingers in the other’s short, blond locks of hair. “I’ve liked you ever since the first day you walked through those doors. There was something about you that made my heart skip a beat, so I knew I had to keep you close,” The King said, then felt a tender kiss on the top of his forehead.

“If you liked me since day one,” Soobin murmured, “then can I love you until the last day?” He asked, the tone of his voice insinuating a million and one things. “I know that we can’t get officially married, but I found a priest who is willing to bless us. It could be a very small ceremony only with the people who care about us,” He continued, taking a deep breath and staring into Yeonjun’s already teary eyes. “So, will you marry me, Your Majesty?” He finally let the proposal escape his mouth, a heavy weight getting lifted off of his chest.

The two lovers could only look at each other for a fragment and then the king initiated a kiss, his tears falling in-between their lips.

“A thousand times. I would marry you a thousand times, Choi Soobin,” The king said through their half-opened mouths then grinned so widely he thought his cheeks would break, then they kissed again and again and again and again.

Even though they were just two people who were told that they were ill-fated, two people who weren’t supposed to be together, two people who almost killed each other, they survived. Because at the end of the day, they loved each other. ( And because Kang Taehyun was a very unexpected person. ) All of their ups and downs and laughs and cries were all worth it at the end of the day, because they were made for each other. They just had to prove it and they did. And maybe their journey from now on won’t be a flowery road, but after all that they’ve been through, even death wouldn’t be able to put them apart. Why? Because one of them found the someone who understood him and supported him, and the other found the someone who loved him for who he was, and not who he had to be. Because they found each other and loved each other more than the sun loves the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought that the second part would be longer, hence why the chapters were split. but it ended up going on a different lane. i didn't read this as a whole so i hope that it was a good read for anyone who got here <3 (i kind of feel like this was a whole mess though since it's been a while since i wrote something)


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